Are you tired of going to church and not being able to feel the Holy Spirit?

Does it seem like your worship is empty and boring?

Is the preaching uninspired and emotionless?

Could your church benefit from the life the Holy Spirit brings?

If so, read the following ways that you can achieve exactly just that!

1.) Lighting. This is probably the most difficult for us to achieve. There are many churches that do not have the equipment necessary for accomplishing this. If you are one of those churches, I apologize. However, if you have the ability to lower the house lights to almost pitch black level (dark enough you can’t make out your neighbor’s face, but not dark enough to cause a lawsuit), then you can manufacture the Holy Spirit. Just lower those house lights and have bright lights on the stage going back and forth throughout worship. This does wonders for envisioning the Holy Spirit. The quicker you move the lights, the better. Periodic strobing is encouraged as well (not too much as this can cause seizures in some people).

2.) Play emotional songs with long musical interludes. Obviously you have to have a band to accomplish this one. This can be very powerful if done well. Make sure all the instruments are together throughout the musical interlude. It is preferable to use an interlude with a nice build. You want to go somewhere with the music. Make sure it is not too long, though, otherwise people will start sitting down or checking their text messages. If you see this happening, look at number 6 for some help.

3.) Speak loud and fast. If you are a preacher, this is a must. The louder and faster you speak, the better. Here is why: people won’t understand what you are saying and this allows you to say things that aren’t really powerful, but they are said in a way that causes people to think they are powerful. Also, if you speak loud and fast, it makes you seem more confident and full of the Spirit. This will excite people.

4.) Speak slow and soft with some emotional music playing behind you. This is especially beneficial during the invitation/altar call. It helps drive home a point with people. Without the music, people won’t attach to the points you are trying to make. With the emotional music, your points will become automatically powerful, even if they don’t make sense.

5.) Get the people involved by getting them to say “amen” frequently. The more you can get them involved, the better. “Amen” is a good one to have people say. I have also heard a church use “go God.” This seems like it gets the job done as well.

6.) Randomly say “Jesus” in a song. This will help you in moments that you see people zoning out during worship. It redirects them to who you are singing about. Give it a try. It works every time…because people can’t argue with Jesus.

7.) Use the phrase “God has laid it on my heart…” This is something else people cannot argue with. Oh, they might try, but if God lays something on your heart, then it is inarguable. This can give you the liberty to say anything. So use this phrase carefully. Don’t say anything that will cause you to be struck dead.

8.) Pray for “God to come and fill this place.” God has already promised to be where we are. And if God is omnipresent, then He is everywhere. So really, this prayer is asking God to do something that He has already promised to do. That is not the point, however. When you pray this, people will be able to feel God enter a place.

9.) Talk about hell. The quickest way to God is through fear.

10.) Eat a bad burrito the night before church. When all else fails and you can’t “feel” the Holy Spirit, eat a bad burrito before church. This will get your stomach stirring and you will definitely “feel” the Spirit by the beginning of service.

My hope is that these are beneficial to you. Put them into practice. You will not regret it.

**This is satire. Please do not take it literally. One does not need to manufacture the Holy Spirit. We would be better off if we stopped trying to create “experiences” where the Holy Spirit would move. The Spirit will move in spite of us and our efforts. We do not have control over that. Just because we create something emotional does not mean we have created a movement of the Spirit. So please, stop trying. Seriously. Stop.**